& Why you need to know a whole bunch of information about her!
Before you can think about serving your loved one in the best way possible – you know, the one who relies on you to take care of most, if not all of their basic needs – you need to define clearly and understand your needs first – then your caregivee!
In fact, I am such a proponent of self-care first, I won’t even give the time of day to caregivers who put themselves second, third or especially last! Why should I, they don’t! (hahahaha – just kidding)
The other aspect of caregiving I absolutely insist is treating your loved ones as clients!
It may sound silly to some, obvious to others, however, it is important to every aspect of building and maintaining your own sanity, strength, good will and especially calm. By that I mean it’s a business transaction first, heart second!
Let me put it another way – when I stopped saving my mom and stopped treating her like a burden, everything changed!
I applied business disciplines to caregiving and consciously and deliberately created a more loving home environment (in her own room at the villa) by communicating and coordinating with the professional, attentive and compassionate staff for my elderly mother.
I used her financial resources, government–funded pensions and health-care support. (not mine!!!)
And I always added endless love for my special customer, my momma!
Although it sounds counter-intuitive, you don’t want to save them from themselves, their inadequacies nor buy into their victim stories. You want to serve them as best you can and sometimes that may appear to be selfish.
You see, once I learned (after a decade of crying and worrying and spending way too much of my money) to focus on her capabilities rather than limitations, I enabled her to function as well as she could.
My stress level was lower, and I had more free time.
This shift alone will mean you don’t spread yourself too thinly.
A more efficient use of your time will be to focus on their specific needs they can’t possibly do without help, but you gain such perspective about what they can and cannot handle for themselves.
So how do you identify your needs and this perfect customer’s needs?
First, You Need to Take Care of Yourself In Order to Offer The Best Care to Others!
Ever hear the commandment to love your neighbour as yourself? Can you see that if you don’t first love yourself, you can’t fully love another? It’s the old saying “you can’t give away what you don’t have”.
Your life is filled as it is, and now you add the extra caregiving responsibilities. Hmmmm, your life could be very stressful.
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You often have to cope with behaviours that result from diseased minds.
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You sometimes get the brunt of a frustrated family member’s feelings.
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You face grief at the loss of someone you love and care for.
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On top of your own work schedules, you most likely have some home stresses.
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You give and give and give. Not many jobs are this demanding so you must have been specially chosen to do this kind of work.
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You don’t seem to get the validation and appreciation you think you deserve!
However, no one can continually give without replenishing. Those who try to eventually have their wells run dry.
The solution is to care for yourself – physically, emotionally and spiritually to be in the best state to care for others. Here are some common sense self-care strategies:
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eat sensibly;
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get enough sleep;
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exercise;
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play;
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pray ;
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spend time with people you love;
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connect with nature and
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carve out time to be alone.
Taking care of yourself is the best gift you give to others!
What else could you do to take care of yourself first?
Pause between taking on a new task and take a moment to savour the present moment. Be aware of your surroundings, “smell the roses,” take a few deep breaths, and notice how your body feels;
Pause to notice how your mind feels when it is in the doing mode. Is there tension, pressure, and intensity? Do not try to get rid of these feelings, just get to know them, accept them, and let them be. With time, you will be able to step out of this mental state more often;
Pause to notice how your mind feels when it is in the doing mode. Is there tension, pressure, and intensity? Do not try to get rid of these feelings, just get to know them, accept them, and let them be. With time, you will be able to step out of this mental state more often;
Try setting a random timer to remind you to become aware of this mental state;
Have a short meditation. This can include taking 3 minutes out of your day to do some deep breathing and focus on your body senses;
Ask for support; if it is rejected, don’t take it personally;
Make love, play music, and don’t take things too seriously;
Clarify your priorities – Who you want to be and what you want to do and…
Integrate ways of being into your day-to-day activities.
Think of the process, not just the outcomes.
Think of things like “initiating,” “participating,” “serving”, “nurturing.”
Stop thinking of things like “she doesn’t appreciate what I do!”, “I’ll never get everything done!” or the common “gotta save her!”
In this way, you take control of the only thing you can – your mind chatter and still be able to schedule what you will be doing, but only in a context of a way of being!
Then… and only then, schedule your customer’s needs!
Ask yourself questions such as:
What problems does this customer have that I can help with?
What are their priorities?
What information should I be getting from them?
Is there a gap in the lifestyle they absolutely want and need that I could fill?
What are their priorities?
What information should I be getting from them?
Is there a gap in the lifestyle they absolutely want and need that I could fill?
This should help you structure your schedule, their schedule, your services approach and your own self-care.
Then you will be much more focused and appealing to your most valuable customer – momma or whomever you take special care of.
If you want more information on effective self-care strategies then why not try my book Most Powerful Person on Earth.
It’s packed full of useful tips and advice on how to self-care, stay focused, use your energy to capacity, and so much more.
Because, the truth is, you are the most powerful person on earth as long as you keep your focus on self-care and don’t give your power away!
And please comment below!
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
What great advice Patricia, thanks! Taking care of yourself is key, yet it is so easy to overlook or "save for last" when you have others to take care of. I know so many people who have shouldered the "burden" of caring for an aging or disabled parent. I love your mission to turn it into a positive experience for all involved.
Awesome post! Too often we neglect ourselves. My husbands grandmother always said that, especially with older couples, the one who took care of the other tended to die first! I never thought about it before but she was right!
This is such a great post. Often the caregivers forget themselves and put all their energy into their loved one. This is a great reminder that they need to take care of themselves also.
LOVE this…every sentence is golden. This could be a book! Every caregiver and every mother needs these reminders. There are aspects of all our lives that should be treated from a practical approach–reduces stress and puts us back in the right proportion to all the rest that we do to LOVE our little or older ones!
great tips… great reminders. have to take of ourselves so that we can take care of others. thanks!
Patricia….ditto on all of the above. It is NOT selfish to take care of ourselves. We do our best for others when we take the time to make sure we are okay first…Thanks for the reminder!
This is an EXCELLENT post Patricia. The strength and ability to discern the difference in how to appropriately care for your caregivee was clear in this statement:
"Let me put it another way – when I stopped saving my mom and stopped treating her like a burden, everything changed!"
The love does not go away but your ability to care and make decision is more effective when you take the approach you have adopted.
Great post!!!
I love this article, Patricia. Too often caregivers don't take time for themselves 1st. But in order for any of us to be able to give to others, we must first be filling ourselves up with all those goodies like love, compassion, patience, joy, happiness, etc. Thank you
Great, great tips, Patricia. In our hearts we know this to be true; however how soon we forget as women. It is a great reprograming that needs to be done in our minds!
The LEARNED Preneur @NormaDoiron.NET
Great advice! Many in the business of serving others are in that role because they are wired to help others. Makes it hard to put yourself first sometimes.
I absolutely agree! We have to look after number one
During my coaching sessions, one of the first areas we look at for women is self care. We cannot take care of anyone until we make ourselves a priority. Sometimes being selfish is ok 
What a great post and a great reminder to all of us about the need and importance of taking care of ourselves first! So many times it can be so easy to forget this and before we know, we end up being the ones that need to be cared for. Thanks for your encouraging words!
What a powerfully helpful article for anyone facing the challenges of providing care for a loved one. As someone who has worked in healthcare for a number of years, the "gotta save her" mentality is something I see from the majority of family members – and its exhausting! The best part for me of what you wrote here was the reminder that the only thing you can control is your own "mind chatter". That is certainly a principle that needs to be applied in every interaction, and provides the secret to getting through stressful situations with serenity intact.
Great tips! It is so easy to forget to take care of yourself. I used to be guilty of that, of taking care of m children and not thinking about myself until I realised that they weren't getting the best from me! Thanks!
What a great post and very timely for me. I am helping with my dad's care and it can really take me down if I am not watchful. Thanks for reminding me to self care first!
I definitely agree of the importance of self care.
I often find myself beginning session with clients by asking how they are tending to their own needs. It is a trusted indicator that if someone can't answer that question they probably are not going to take to the advice and direction they are seeking very well. Excellent blog post today! Thanks.
Wow, great tips! and everything always start with ourselves and this way we will be in a better situation to help others. I totally agree
Great article! I have gone through this so I know how important it is to separate our own needs from our family members needs and handle it as a professional caregiver. We can never give anything to anyone if we don't have it within. It is sometimes a very lonely journey to learn who we are and fill ourselves with love and energy.
Yes!! This is exactly what I preach and live by. In order to take care of others and be successful you must first take care of yourself and of course never, ever think you can do it all alone..asking for helping will keep you grounded, sane and much happier. Thanks for your wonderful post:)
This article hit home for me Patricia. I took care of my foster mom for the time she was in the hospital which was 11 years! She had a stroke and couldn't speak. All my energy was focused on her. I worked then went to visit her 3 – 5 times a week. I was exhausted! You are so right when you say: " Taking care is yourself is the best gift you give to others!" In those 11 years, I never went on vacation. It is 8 since since she passed and still no vacation! I think it's time to start taking care of ME! Love your article! It is full of priceless information. I pray that anyone taking care of someone, will read this. It will help them tremendously! THANK YOU!
This is a fantastic article, Patricia! I think as women, especially, we are constantly bombarded with the message that we have to sacrifice ourselves in order to make everyone around us happy. I appreciate your mind set and think this is such an important message! Thank you!
This can relate to just being a Busy Mom too!!! So many of the things you mention here so many busy moms are just not doing and they themselves end up sick or worse yet angry and frustrated because they didn't take the time to take care of themselves. Thank you so much for sharing this post!
Brilliant post! Self care is extremely important! And I agree with Antonina – you can't be help to anyone if you are not taking care of yourself.
I agree with you, Patricia, that self care needs to be at the top of the list! You provide great strategies here on how to prioritize and take care of yourself. Love the part about controlling your mind chatter! Great post!
this has been a challenge for me as I help care for my husband's mother. She was to be on a preventive medicine for breast cancer and I had no idea because I had not helped her with her medical until this past year. Well .. due to her not continuing that med she has breast cancer again at 91..;( I stated a folder about her.. to take with me.
Incredible information! One of the most important things I stress to parents is the NEED to take care of themselves in order to be of value to their children! Self-care is NOT Self-ish!!:) Thanks!
I agree! Self care is extremely important! You can't be help to anyone if you're not taking care of yourself first.
You are so right on about the importance of taking care of ourselves first so we can be of better service to others. Thanks for sharing this!
Great Tips on how to take care of ourselves while taking care of others. Thanks so much for reminding us of how important self care is for us to maintain a healthy lifestyle as we care for others!